Assertive Communication - 6 Tips For Effective Use

How and When to Use Assertiveness

Assertiveness is often associated with force and intimidation, but this undermines the effectiveness of assertive communication and its value in maintaining strong professional and personal relationships.

Let’s look at what assertive communication is, when to use it, and how to apply it for optimal results.

WHAT IS ASSERTIVENESS?

If you find yourself in a difficult situation, assertiveness helps you to convey your message directly without being perceived as disrespectful or overbearing. This enables you to express a wide range of thoughts and feelings in an open and honest way without hurting or alienating others.

To see the value of assertiveness, compare it to behaviours we tend to resort to when difficult situations arise:

Direct aggression: bossy, intolerant and overbearing
Indirect aggression: sarcastic, insinuating and guilt-inducing
Submissive: passive, submissive and apologetic
Assertive: direct, honest and responsible

Used appropriately, assertiveness can help you achieve goals and protect yourself from being taken advantage of. Learn more about the benefits of assertive communication.

Top five benefits of being assertive

YOUR ASSERTIVENESS TOOLKIT

When you need to be assertive, capitalise on your natural tools to convey and reinforce your message. Think about how you use different aspects of your body:

Eye contact: demonstrate that you are interested and sincere
Body posture: face the person to reinforce interest without being intimidating
Voice: use a calm and convincing tone
Timing: judge the best moment to respond for maximum impact
Gestures: add emphasis to key points

SIX ASSERTIVENESS TECHNIQUES

Here are some of the most effective assertive communication techniques:

I Statements

Use ‘I’ instead of ‘you’ to indicate you take ownership of the situation without attributing blame.

These statements have three components:

behaviour
feeling
consequence

For example,

"I feel frustrated when you are late for meetings. I don't like to go over points I’ve already covered.

Repeating

If your request is ignored, repeat it calmly in various ways so you stick to your point. For example, you could avoid a pushy salesperson with statements such as,

"No thank you”

“I'm not interested"

“I have no need at this time.”

Fogging

This helps you to receive criticism without getting anxious and defensive or submitting to someone who may be trying to manipulate you. Simply acknowledge the criticism, agree that there may be some truth to it, but reserve judgement. For example,

“I agree there are probably times when I don't answer your questions adequately.”

Negative Enquiry

This is useful for examining criticism from those closest to you. If you hear a critical comment, learn more about it, but only take it on board if you feel it has validity. For example,

"So you think I’m not interested?"

Negative Assertion

This is a great technique for examining criticism that you recognise may be true. Tentatively and sympathetically agree with the criticism, but do not apologise until you have considered it in more detail. For example,

"Yes, you’re right. I don't always listen closely to what you say."

Workable Compromise

If your self-respect is not in question, then you can negotiate a workable compromise.

For example,

"I understand you need to talk, and I need to finish what I'm doing. So, how about we meet in half an hour?"

PROBLEMS WITH ASSERTIVENESS

Bear in mind that assertive communication techniques can escalate difficult situations if used inappropriately or too often. Sudden use of assertiveness can be perceived as an act of aggression, particularly if the person isn’t expecting it or if they simply don’t approve of this style of communication.

Most importantly, assertiveness should never become your default style as it will lose its potency and may cause long-term communication barriers

Do you know the seven key communication barriers?

DEVELOPING ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Take time to practice how you want to look and sound when you are assertive. It can help to keep the three Cs of assertive communication in mind:

Confidence: stay composed, and believe in yourself and what you are saying
Clarity: make sure your message is clear and easy to understand
Control: monitor the situation closely and adapt accordingly.

Work on your eye contact and body language, and practice controlling your voice so it is direct but non-aggressive. Practising is particularly useful for I statements as it helps to divorce your emotions from them.

There are assertiveness courses that can develop your skills, as can books on a wide range of topics such as body language.

When you match psychology with effective communication skills you get a powerful combination.

Boost your everyday communication skills

This article was originally contributed by Lee Hopkins.